Today is a good day, so I will begin writing this blog. What do I mean by "good day"? By a good day, I mean that I am not super sad that I am not able to run. By super sad, I mean depressed, but I hate using that word because that's been a struggle for me off and on my entire life. People that haven't fought anxiety/depression don't understand. You hear the words "dramatic" or even "childish" or "crazy", but in reality it's a struggle. You have good days and bad days. On the bad days, you do all that you can to look like you're okay and happy. It's like putting on a happy mask to get through the day. My faith along with an active prayer life is what makes me healthy. I had a doctor years ago tell me one time I should take medicine, so, needless to say, I left that doctor. I wanted to try other healthy & holistic things before popping a pill, and exercise, faith, & caring people in my life have helped me fight that demon called anxiety & depression successfully. Running has been such a huge help with this struggle, and I'm thankful. Running helps clear my head of any negativity before and/or after the day even starts. Running has also helped me surround myself with people that make me better.
I have been putting off posting a blog for a long time. I've been meaning to blog about my running experiences in January, but work has kept me busy, and honestly, when I had time to write, I would just feel sad and I just didn't want to write. Sad about the physical pain that I'm experiencing is MY FAULT. Yep, my fault. This is my first running related injury, and I think it hurts me more emotionally because I know that I know better than to keep trying to run when I am in pain. IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE.
When you read my December blog post after the Recover From the Holidays 50k, I was so happy and thankful for my race experience: no serious pain, no issues...I felt GREAT during most of the race (near the end, I was tired, but that's normal, right?). The day after the race I felt great other than some tenderness/soreness in both of my knees, but I didn't think anything of it. so a couple of days after the race, I decided to go for a trail run on part of the Mountain Mist 50k course. I told myself to obviously not stress about speed or time and to walk as much as I wanted since I ran a 50k three days before it.
I should have stayed home.
I noticed something wasn't quite right after 6 miles into it. My knees were hurting, REALLY hurting, but not enough to make me not want to run. I found it odd...I never had knee pain like this as a runner, especially in both my knees. So, I slowed down, A LOT, and finally made it back to the car. The pain ended by the time I was home, but I told myself to give myself some lighter running days and some cross training and to not stress too much about it. I told myself it would go away, and I would be just fine before the final race in the Grand Slam series, the Mountain Mist 50k.
Or so I thought.
I would try to run; I would get pain in both of my knees. Sharp, shooting pain that went down my leg and radiated around both knee caps. Every. Single. Time. I even ran a 9 mile trail race and I ended up in tears. I have to Grand Slam, I told myself, so in panic mode I became. Rock Tape. KT Tape. Compression Tights. Aleve. More Yoga/Stretching. Icing and Elevating. Knee braces. Trail Runs. Pavement Runs. Walk/Run Intervals. I tried it all, and nothing was working. The reality of not Grand Slamming was starting to become real.
Grand Slam hopefuls before the Mountain Mist 50k.
So, the week of the Mountain Mist Race, I just felt sick. It's like I knew the inevitable. Yea, nonrunners will tell you things like "it's just a race, just don't go" but then you get angered and/or sad by it, not at them, because they don't understand. Yes, I know it's "just a race", I really do, but in the back of my mind I knew that if I didn't try, I would just be sick about not trying.
So, the sum it up, I showed up on the snowy, icy mountain on Sunday, January 24th . Wow, what a BEAUTIFUL snowy day. As I figured, I was in a lot of pain. I made it to mile 18 and was told I was cut off from the race (I wasn't fast enough to beat the race cut off times). I remember being happy at the time because I was in a lot of pain, and I remember the lady working that race cut off station saying "Wow, you're the happiest person that we saw today that we told that they were done."
A few of the Panera Pounders before the Mountain Mist 50k race.
I was honestly positive and happy that day. I wasn't sad because I knew I gave it my all. I went home, iced my knees, and told myself "You have to stop running and see a doctor."
I did. I think the reality of not running for awhile reallllly set in after the x-rays. It really hit me that I had hurt myself. ME. Not me falling off a jet ski intertube and hurting my knee like last summer. That's different. What made it different this time was my stubborn self put me in this mess by continuing to "try" running for a month and not see a doctor. Not one knee, but BOTH knees in pain.
To sum the doctor's visit up, he told me it's IT band issues in both knees. He told me to start foam rolling and physical therapy. He told me it was overuse, and he told me that I better not run OR walk as exercise for the next six weeks. He even told me it could be longer than six weeks. He is a runner as well, and he said he had the same issue in one of his knees and he said it took him 5 months to fully recover. That terrified me, but I think he knew that he had to be honest with me. I just remembered feeling even sicker then and saying to myself, "Oh God, please, not five months....don't let that be me..."
It's only been two weeks since Mountain Mist, but it's been since January 2nd since I realized I couldn't run. I miss it so much. I miss how I feel after a run. I miss races. I miss posting and leading for the Saturday Morning Bridgestreet Group Runs. I miss not having knee pain when I walk (I have good days and bad days). I really really really miss my friends, my great running pals, that had kept me motivated throughout not only my Grand Slam training, but through my running journey as a whole. There are days that I love going to the yoga studio and to physical therapy, while other days I am just sad or angry about it and just want to cry.
We runners sure are different when we can't run. I really feel like I learned my lesson through all of this, and honestly, I have no desire to complete a marathon distance until Mountain Mist next year, if I even do that. I think the greatest distance I want to get up to for a while would be half marathons, but I'm not sure when I will be able to get back to that distance with my knees in this state. I just want to be able to run again and not be in pain. I want to run and have fun again.
No, running is not bad for your knees: running too many miles, you know, like hilly ultramarathons, with not enough breaks is.
Yea, this isn't one of my peppiest, happiest blogs, but it is what it is! I am thankful that my injuries aren't as bad as they could be, and my doctor makes it sound like that rest is what's going to get me through it along with my physical therapy and just keeping my general fitness up. I hope to be back soon. I wanting my next blog to be about my comeback race, whichever race that might be. I would love to be ready for Oak Barrel, but since I've already transferred three of my half marathon race bibs away due to my bad knees, it's quite possible that I might be missing another race. I will do what my doctor tells me. We shall see.
Until then...work will keep me busy along with physical therapy and everything else. Time will fly, right?
I sure hope so!
-Holly
